THE FAMILY JOURNEY
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families (Part One)

with Dr. Jeff Parziale

Dysfunctional families are the breeding ground for adults and children who struggle with addictive and other selfdefeating behaviors. Most of these family members have difficulty with relationships and especially with intimacy. There are many characteristics these families have in common; this time and next we'll look at ten of the most common.

SHAME IS USED TO CONTROL.
Family members are compared to one another negatively, and controlled and coerced using shaming tactics such as name calling, impossible standards, and never being seen as good enough, sorry enough, or quiet enough.

PERFORMANCE ORIENTED.
Value and acceptance are achieved by what is done, never by who you are. Family members are told they will never measure up, but to keep trying harder. There is no real sense of what constitutes value or personal worth.

UNSPOKEN RULES.
Most rules only become spoken when broken; and they can change without notice. Unspoken rules are more powerful than written rules; they include:

  • Don't talk: "There are no problems here, if you think there are, than you are (have) the problem." Everything is private and unspoken.
  • Can't win: double binds. "Never lie, but tell the person on the phone I'm not here." "Tell your parents everything, but don't tell this to Mom, it might upset her."
  • Don't feel: "No one cares how you feel." Feelings are messy; only performance and appearance counts; feelings become irrelevant.
COMMUNICATION IS ALWAYS CODED.
Needs or feelings can never be expressed directly, and verbal statements are seldom to be taken at face value. For example, "Do me a favor" really means, "Do it now or else" or "It would be nice if someone around here took out the trash" means "You do it now (or else)." Messages are never direct, therefore triangulation is common. No one really talks to each other. Bizarre or inappropriate behaviors are explained, rationalized, softened (coded). Example, "You know your Dad didn't really mean..."

EMOTIONAL IDOLATRY.
Idolatry is turning to a source other than God to meet needs. In dysfunctional families, value is given for obeying the implicit, unspoken rules, don't feel, talk, think, upset anyone, etc. True needs are never really met; maintaining family balance is the highest goal. Consequently, family members become numb to their own needs and soon can't even identify how they truly feel or articulate what they really want. Relationships are never deep; they are enmeshed, codependent even incestuous, but never authentic, intimate, life changing or life giving.

Next time we'll explore the last five characteristics.

Live and love well.

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep call (520)721-0800, or visit their website: www.instepministries.com